Changing My View From Failure to Setback

>> Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Last week my first intention towards wholeness was to re-read Weight Release A Liberating Journey. This is probably the 4th time (at least) that I have read this book in less than a year. I absolutely love this book. Every time I read it, I learn something new. I think it's probably because every time I read it I'm in a different place in my life so certain things just really click.

While reading the book this week I took copious amounts of notes. This is the first time I've actually done that while reading Weight Release. There is no way I can share everything in this post that spoke to me while reading; so I will be including some of it further along in my journey as I explore different aspects of my life.

There is one part though that I want to share today. This really puts into perspective where I am at and have been for the last few months.
If you are going to climb, if you are going to challenge yourself to expand beyond your present circumstances, you will ultimately be forced with setback.

However, if you view the setbacks as temporary and you truly grasp the learning opportunity in the experience, you will ultimately reach new heights.
Back in November when I miscarried, everything just stopped. Before that point I was really moving forward in my life. I was applying the things I learned in Weight Release, and I was releasing weight, but more importantly I was really beginning to have a deep, personal, loving relationship with myself.

Then November 22 came, and it all stopped. Even though everyone told me and even though deep down I know it wasn't my fault; there was a voice inside of me trying to convince me that - I was too overweight too carry a baby, that my previous c-section was the cause & if I'd just done ____ then I wouldn't have had the c-section, that I had done too much those first weeks and I should have taken it easy, that...and the list goes on.

Everyone told me to take care of myself, be kind to myself, give myself time...didn't they realize Christmas was coming? I didn't have time to "fall apart". I figured if I did what they said, that's exactly what would happen - I would fall apart. I've never felt grief and pain like that. And I felt like I was so new into my journey and trying to approach things differently - I didn't know how to cope or how I would cope. So I made a conscious decision to do what I know. I shoved my emotions down (literally) and continued on - because Christmas was coming & people were depending on me.

But what about me?

I've spent the last 3 months (roughly) feeding my feelings - finding comfort in food. When the voices get loud I quiet them with distractions - cleaning, music, anything so that I don't have to sit quietly and feel the pain and now the hate. The hate is back. I hate that I have put on weight - the voice that says "well it's your fault; you've done this too yourself". The voice that says you are no good. So many negative thoughts have crept their way back in...

So that's the brutal honesty of where I am at. But it's just a setback. That's all. There is another quote that really struck me when reading:
Pain is a part of life but suffering is optional. ~ Dr. Ron Hulnick
Today I am no longer going to suffer. I'm going to forgive myself for buying into the negative voices, for not being courageous and working through my pain and grief, for not putting myself first and loving myself. I am blessed. Really! I know what is possible. I've already started to walk in the path of self-love. I know what that feels like. I know that it's not always going to be easy and this pain that I've felt may not be the only time I will feel it, but I can learn how to navigate it better. I can learn how to keep my peace, love, and joy in times of great sorrow. I want to take a leap of faith and get off the path I am on. Amazing things are on the horizon.

Living well is an art that can be developed: 
a love of life and ability to take great pleasure from small offerings and 
assurance that the world owes you nothing and that every gift is exactly that, a gift.
~Maya Angelou

Because this post is already exceptionally long, I'm going to put my intentions for this week in a separate post.


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