Shit I Want to Talk About

>> Thursday, January 7, 2010

This morning I had planned to write about something else entirely and as the day wore on I debated writing at all. It's just been one of those days.  Not any one thing, but an emotional day for some reason.  Finally this evening I got a few minutes to myself and as I was thinking about my day I decided I would go ahead and write.  This year I want to start writing more personal things. Not just crafts, recipes, or memes but real day to day things. Things that are in my head.  So what better day to start than today.

What I learned today:

I feel like life is perpetually like high school and I'm still that odd girl that just doesn't quite fit in anywhere no matter how hard I try.  I could study my ass off and still not be smart enough; I was never "cool" enough. Today I tried to have a conversation with someone and it felt just like high school.  You know, when you try to say something to the "in crowd" and they just look at you and laugh or roll their eyes and walk away. Yeah, that's what it felt like.  Maybe I'm just too sensitive. I dunno. It seems like these high school like feelings happen frequently. What I do know is I let how I walked away from that experience today shape the remainder of my afternoon. And that was no one's fault but my own.  I need to work on letting things go. I control my own happiness. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to let things get to me.  I'm going to work harder on choosing to be happy.  You know how ducks have waterproof feathers and when it rains it just rolls off their backs? I want to be the duck. ;)

Today I am admitting I am an emotional eater.  I wrote on Monday how one of my resolutions was to become healthier, and how part of that was to lose some weight. My plan to lose weight and get healthy involves eating a raw food diet until supper.  Well, after the above situation happened I blew that resolution right out of the water. I guess technically I didn't, as the resolution was to become healthier but I messed up on my "plan". I comforted myself in cookies and a mc mom (think homemade McMuffin) for lunch with the kids. Yeah, not exactly raw foods. Food is how I punish myself for bad feelings; it is how I stuff down emotions I do not want to deal with. Food is not a reward; it is not something I think of as a positive thing. Food and I have a long history and it's never been a good relationship (more on that later). Maybe just maybe by admitting that I use food to fill some emotional upset or void it will help me be more aware? I don't know. How does one overcome emotional eating? How does one find a healthy relationship with food?  I know this may be shocking some because of all my recipes and how I do love cooking and baking. I think my love for it is because I'm good at it (one of the few things I am good at) and it gives me a creative outlet.

Today I realized I sabotage myself.  I make a lot of excuses mentally why I can't do things. I want to be healthier & lose weight but I've yet to start exercising.  I want to get the Wii game Just Dance and I'm using that as an excuse to not exercise.  I've not been able to find it in the stores here yet and I keep telling myself "just as soon as I get that game I'll have fun exercise".  I have a Wii Fit but it's really hard to use with E up and running around since he wants to be on it when you are and if you say no, he will just turn it off on you.  It really doesn't amount to much of a workout that way.  I've tried using it when he naps and I swear he has wiidar.  As soon as I get it set up and on, he wakes up...every time.  So you can see how I have lots of excuses.  Well, no more.  I know about the No Excuses Workout - no equipment needed and it only takes 6 minutes.  Really I am sure I have 6 minutes a few times a day & that'll be better than doing nothing until I find the Just Dance game.

So these are the main things I was thinking about this evening. I hope that by writing them down here I will remember my resolve to do things differently tomorrow and the next day...

8 comments:

Cathy @frugalgirl January 7, 2010 at 10:24 PM  

I can relate to this post in many ways! From the high school parts to emotional eating. I have where I live and don't really connect anyone here on a quality "friend" level. It sucks! You also posed the question about the emotional eating...you hit it on the head...it is about the emotional and choosing to deal with it differently than with food. I think it is so easy to love ourselves or reward ourselves with food. Then after, we end up feelihg worse. Anyway, I am not here to preach, but maybe the next time one of those high school type bitches leaves you feeling like crap, come home and tweet instead of eat(hey, I just coined a phrase)LOL. Above all else, don't be so hard on yourself. Even though your lunch wasn't raw, I am sure it was still healthy!! Big virtual hug to you!!

Amy Brown January 7, 2010 at 10:25 PM  

I look forward to reading more personal stories, thanks for sharing. Let's start our own cool crowd, so neither of us has to feel that way :)

Krista January 7, 2010 at 10:35 PM  

Cathy - thanks for the virtual hug. It really does suck to not have any really good friendships. I have a couple good friends but I've never really had a friend that knows all my deep dark secrets. And I couldn't really tweet about it because it happened on twitter and then I would have felt like a baby lol. Ahh well tomorrow is another day - all fresh, new and shiny.


Amy - Let's! It's funny how women seem to have these cliques then everyone says "oh I feel the same way as you." Why do we as women alienate each other so much? I say that then I wonder if I'm just over-sensitive...

Pippa January 8, 2010 at 4:54 AM  

Its amazing isn't it? I mean every woman in the entire world feels like this, but doesn't admit it. Well you do and I do, but you know what I mean!

I think that the best thing that any of us can do is be honest with ourselves and then the rest will follow (as in what we want/need not other people) and then one day we will be one of those happy people we see walking down the street!

Angela,  January 8, 2010 at 7:56 AM  

Great blog post Krista, I know exactly how you feel, I can definately relate.
-Angela

C-Joy January 8, 2010 at 7:56 AM  

{{{HUGS}}}

Those 140 characters can be mighty potent! I have to keep reminding myself that 90% of communication is nonverbal, which means you can miss A LOT of the intent behind a tweet. If I didn't I would probably be crying over tweets all the time LOL

DianeDenmark January 8, 2010 at 9:25 AM  

Hi K! Re the exercising, they're all valid excuses, but I think you've reached the point where you're tired of making those excuses to yourself? Taking the first step is scary. And it's even harder to get over that stinking-thinking of '5 minutes is nothing'. Did you ever listen to Jonathan's show on BlogTalk radio (available as podcast and archive) http://www.blogtalkradio.com/noexcusesweightloss They're just ordinary people. Just like you and me. Good luck and {{hugs}}

Krista January 9, 2010 at 7:45 AM  

Pippa - it really is amazing. I don't think men do that, do they?
And I have to say putting what I want or need above trying to make others happy is a real struggle for me. Yes, I am that person that has a hard time saying no, then I kick myself in the ass the whole time I'm doing whatever it is. ;)

C-Joy - that is Very true. However in this case I shared a very personal experience and didn't even get so much as a tweet back. So there was no tweet to misunderstand. Just the feeling of being ignored because I wasn't in her "in-crowd" so I wasn't worthy of a response.

Diane - Isn't an excuse just and excuse though? You are right that stinking-thinking gets me every time. If I can't do it "right" then why bother at all is what I think, but what is right? Maybe for right now the 6 minute NEWO is what is right for me - I think it is. I have yet to listen to his podcast. I really need to do that. I see others talking about how motivating he is and how he's able to get you to see things in a different light. I think I'll try to make some time this weekend to have a listen in. Thanks.

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