>> Thursday, January 7, 2010
This morning I had planned to write about something else entirely and as the day wore on I debated writing at all. It's just been one of those days. Not any one thing, but an emotional day for some reason. Finally this evening I got a few minutes to myself and as I was thinking about my day I decided I would go ahead and write. This year I want to start writing more personal things. Not just crafts, recipes, or memes but real day to day things. Things that are in my head. So what better day to start than today.
What I learned today:
I feel like life is perpetually like high school and I'm still that odd girl that just doesn't quite fit in anywhere no matter how hard I try. I could study my ass off and still not be smart enough; I was never "cool" enough. Today I tried to have a conversation with someone and it felt just like high school. You know, when you try to say something to the "in crowd" and they just look at you and laugh or roll their eyes and walk away. Yeah, that's what it felt like. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. I dunno. It seems like these high school like feelings happen frequently. What I do know is I let how I walked away from that experience today shape the remainder of my afternoon. And that was no one's fault but my own. I need to work on letting things go. I control my own happiness. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to let things get to me. I'm going to work harder on choosing to be happy. You know how ducks have waterproof feathers and when it rains it just rolls off their backs? I want to be the duck. ;)
Today I am admitting I am an emotional eater. I wrote on Monday how one of my resolutions was to become healthier, and how part of that was to lose some weight. My plan to lose weight and get healthy involves eating a raw food diet until supper. Well, after the above situation happened I blew that resolution right out of the water. I guess technically I didn't, as the resolution was to become healthier but I messed up on my "plan". I comforted myself in cookies and a mc mom (think homemade McMuffin) for lunch with the kids. Yeah, not exactly raw foods. Food is how I punish myself for bad feelings; it is how I stuff down emotions I do not want to deal with. Food is not a reward; it is not something I think of as a positive thing. Food and I have a long history and it's never been a good relationship (more on that later). Maybe just maybe by admitting that I use food to fill some emotional upset or void it will help me be more aware? I don't know. How does one overcome emotional eating? How does one find a healthy relationship with food? I know this may be shocking some because of all my recipes and how I do love cooking and baking. I think my love for it is because I'm good at it (one of the few things I am good at) and it gives me a creative outlet.
Today I realized I sabotage myself. I make a lot of excuses mentally why I can't do things. I want to be healthier & lose weight but I've yet to start exercising. I want to get the Wii game Just Dance and I'm using that as an excuse to not exercise. I've not been able to find it in the stores here yet and I keep telling myself "just as soon as I get that game I'll have fun exercise". I have a Wii Fit but it's really hard to use with E up and running around since he wants to be on it when you are and if you say no, he will just turn it off on you. It really doesn't amount to much of a workout that way. I've tried using it when he naps and I swear he has wiidar. As soon as I get it set up and on, he wakes up...every time. So you can see how I have lots of excuses. Well, no more. I know about the No Excuses Workout - no equipment needed and it only takes 6 minutes. Really I am sure I have 6 minutes a few times a day & that'll be better than doing nothing until I find the Just Dance game.
So these are the main things I was thinking about this evening. I hope that by writing them down here I will remember my resolve to do things differently tomorrow and the next day...