In Search of Me

Priority \Pri*or"i*ty\, n. [Cf. F. priorit['e]. See Prior, a.]

1. The quality or state of being prior or antecedent in time, or of preceding something else; as, priority of application.

2. Precedence; superior rank. --Shak.

Priority of debts, a superior claim to payment, or a claim to payment before others.

Syn: Antecedence; precedence; pre["e]minence.

Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

I've been absent from my blog this week because priorities have been on my mind.  Mostly the lack of putting myself as a priority. This is going to be a very hard post for me to write. I'm going to be admitting some things that are very difficult for me to admit.

I've been skipping out on Menu Plan Monday posts because I (once again) have had to stop raw eating.  I know that this way of eating is what is good for me.  It is what will work for me to lose weight and be healthy.  I've had glimpses of this during the periods of time that I have been able to stick with it.  This time it isn't a lack of will power or determination that has stopped me, but a lack of funds.  It is really expensive to eat raw. Even though I'm the only one of the five us eating raw it would add up enough extra to our budget that grocery shopping was costing over 200 dollars a week. Yes, you read that right - a week! I just can't justify that right now.  Not when I am a stay at home mom and we are relying solely on my husband's pay check.  So for the time being I am putting raw eating on the back burner.

For the last 2-3 weeks since I stopped buying all the stuff for my own special meals I haven't even payed attention to what I have been putting in my body. This is not good. Not good for weight loss, not good for my physical health, and not good for my mental health.  I shouldn't say I haven't been paying attention, because oh how I have. But I eat whatever and then I beat myself up mentally for it. I know all the right things to do, all the right ways to eat but I still choose to eat junk or way too much. I eat to deal with emotions, stress, boredom and lastly hunger. I'm also good for putting off eating until I'm so hungry that I will just eat whatever is ready to eat right now. 


And let's talk about exercise. Yeah, I've decided I'm just lazy. Well, that's not entirely true but when it comes to exercise it is true. I will do anything to not exercise.  I will make up excuses (that may or may not be valid), I will be so busy (this is true - partially) that I just don't have time to exercise.  I bought the Just Dance Wii game and told myself that I would use that for exercise over the winter.  I've used it a grand total of one time. wow. pathetic.  What is true is that I won't give up time I spend playing with Little E during the day to exercise. I could be taking him for a walk in the stroller though, and I'm sure the fresh air would do him good. What is true is I won't live in a messy house to make time for exercise.  A messy house stresses me out - seriously. What is true is I spend time on the computer that I could be exercising but I want to have "down time".  Why don't I consider exercising, something that is good for me to be down time? Oh, well because exercise is work.  All that said, I know that if I really want to lose weight (especially if I'm not going to be eating raw) then I need to add in exercise.  I know that if I add in exercise I will start to have more energy.  I do want those things.  I do.

What all this boils down to is I am not on my priority list.  And if I happen to show up on it, I show up at the very bottom. I know that this week I've spent some time crying and thinking about myself and what changes I want.  I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to make myself a priority. I don't know how to get it through my thick head that I must exercise and eat properly - whatever that is. At this point I'm going to say I don't know how to eat properly.  I've got it in my mind that they only way I can lose weight is by eating raw foods because I know it works and I'm not left feeling hungry like when I try to diet.  So what do I do? I mean I can't possibly be the only person out there that has felt this way.  Someone must have some words of wisdom or great advice.  How do you make time to take care of yourself if you're a stay at home mom?  A mom that is involved with her kids, likes a tidy house, likes to cook; how do I make this work for me.  I need a teacher.

I look in the mirror and I hate what I see (this is even worse since I had E and I have that c-section tummy now).  I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  I want to feel good about myself, I want to feel sexy, I want to be healthy and fit. How do I find my way there? At this point I am at a loss.  I'm going to try spending some time this weekend thinking about this, searching for answers and hoping that maybe someone out there can help me.