Love Dare - Day Four

>> Friday, October 16, 2009

 "When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally.  You spent hours dreaming of what your loved one looked like, wondering what he or she was doing, rehearsing impressive things to say, then enjoying sweet memories of the time you spent together."
Day 4:  Love is thoughtful
How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
—Psalm 139:17–18

Yesterday's Dare
Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Yesterday was overall an easy day for me.  I feel I am pretty thoughtful of my husband. We talk usually once or twice a day while he is at work, and I try to do things that make his return home after work comfortable.  I do try to give him some down time when he first gets home before bombarding him with my day and wants. I also try to pick something up when I'm out even if it's just small.  So today's dare really wasn't all that difficult for me.

However, many times when I am frustrated or mad my thoughts jump to how he does or doesn't do this or that.  When instead, if I was being thoughtful, kind, and unselfish I would be trying to think of a way to make up for the hurt or anger that we are dealing with.  I need to focus more on how much I love him and less on the ways he annoys me.  I'm really starting to see how negative thoughts can impact how I react or don't react.

Yesterday dh was home sick all day so I never really had the opportunity to call him.  Instead in the evening I just asked him if there was anything I could do for him.  He laughed and said "why are you asking that?"  I said "no, reason just wondered if there was something I could do for you."  He said "no, I can't think of anything."  Gee hun, thanks for making this dare so easy. ;)  So I thought of something on my own. He's been mentioning that his dresser is getting empty (I've been slacking on the laundry),  I decided to do a load of laundry just for him.  This morning he was very grateful to have nice clean clothes for work.  :)

Edited to add:   Today my husband is on day four. This morning before he left for work, he was reading the chapter for today's dare and he was ohhh and mmhmm.  Finally I had to ask what was so interesting.  He started pointing out part of the chapter that said:
"He's frustrated wondering why she speaks in riddles and doesn't come out and say things...

This also explains why a woman will get upset with their husbands without telling them why"
I, of course, rebuted with the part in the chapter where it says:
"...a wise man will listen like a detective to discover the unspoken needs and desires her words imply. If, however, she always has to put the pieces together for him, it steals the opportunity for him to demonstrate that he loves her."
We had a good laugh and I gave some examples and then he left for work.  Then when I was in the shower I started thinking more about this.  Because it's supposed to be about me right, not my selfishness that says "well if you would just listen to my tone or my hints you would get it".

I admit I do sometimes just hint around things.  He sometimes will ask do you want some help with ___?  I'll say no, that's ok I have it.  Secretly wishing he would just get up and help me.  Why do I always have to say help me, can't you just want to help me and then do it?  I don't know how to change this, because deep down I do just want him to want to help me.  I feel like when I ask him to do things he's only doing it because I asked not because he really wants to help me.  I want his desire to help to come from his heart sometimes not always from my mouth.  Right now I don't know how to fix this.

I was also thinking about all the other times I hint at things.  I hint at my needs.  That isn't fair to either of us, because sometimes I really do need something.  Yes, I would love for him to just notice that I am frazzled beyond belief and I need a break, and for him to come in and say "hey, I got this you go do something else."  Maybe that is wishful thinking on my part, I don't know.  One thing I do know is that my needs are valid and they need to be met as well.  I need to have a break every now and then from the kids, the house, ect.  Everyone says that mom needs to take care of herself to be a better mom and wife.  So I'm going to make a concentrated effort to be more forthright with my needs. I'm just going to say I need to sleep in this morning, can you please get up with the kids.  I'm just going to say I need a break, will you please stay home with the kids so I can get out of the house before I go completely bonkers.  And then I'm going to do it.  If he forgets he agreed to these things I will make an effort to not get mad and sulk all day about it.  I will just say remember today was the day you were going to do ____.  Hopefully this isn't being selfish.  I don't know *shrug*  I mean where do you draw the line between selfishness and actual needs?  At any rate I hope that by trying to do this I am being more thoughtful of my husband.  Since he doesn't think the same way I think maybe being upfront about some things will be helpful.

I also was thinking (can you believe I wasn't in the shower all morning lol) about the getting angry and he has no clue why.  I do this sometimes.  He will do or not do something and I get angry.  I am not the type of person that can just say it.  I worry that once I get started I won't be able to stop myself and I will say things I regret. That isn't something I want to do, never has been.  I also know that if I don't word it right, I will put him on the defensive and then we'll just have a huge argument. I don't like doing that either. But, then I stew on it and once I open that door I am able to find a zillion other reasons that I can be angry at him too.  That isn't fair to him.  So maybe rather than just being mad and he's clueless I can say "listen, I'm angry right now over something but I can't talk about it yet.  Give me an hour or so and then come ask me what is wrong."  I don't want to give myself too long so that I can find all the other things he's done in 9 years to be angry about too.  I think he does deserve to know what I am upset about it though.  Me being angry and not saying anything isn't very thoughtful or kind.

How was this dare for you?  Was it easy or do you really struggle with loving, caring thoughts for your spouse?

Today's Challenge: Love is not rude

See how my friends who are also taking the challenge are doing:
@Peasinapod - Confessions Of An UnOrGaNiZeD Mom
@FlyingByFaith - Simply Complicated... That's Just Me...
@kjkmom2boys - Mom's Just One of the Boys
@ChainedAngel - Wanna Know What's for Supper???
@sherylk1515 - We are Never Alone

If you would like to join in the challenge just leave me a comment and a link to your blog and I'll add you to the list. :)

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